Ruminations

So I’m sitting… awake… it’s 1.24AM. I wrote my last exam of the semester this afternoon (brutal but funnnnn — I’m just so grateful for the opportunity to be in school!) and for the past few weeks, all I wanted — ALL I wanted — was for this day to come. And I thought I’d just get home, throw ish around my room and hit my pillow by like 7.30pm. As though all these years of being me have taught me nothing. Cos of course, I can’t sleep. I don’t really feel like eating. Don’t wanna read. And browsing the net has gotten boring. It’s my old friend: the post-adrenaline-buzz slump. Anyway, I’m up and thinking — thinking all sorts of things:

1. I NEED TO WRITE MORE. I mean, really. Really. Really, now.

2. I need to work out… I need to get my work-out schedule in order, man. In general, I just need to get my ish in hardcore order for next semester cos there won’t be any games — zero time for unseriousness. And that means being in gear — physically, mentally and emotionally. Especially emotionally. But also physically. Well, all of them. (Oh, it’s not even about the hour — I generally don’t make much sense…)

3. Let’s see: what else?

4. Oh, home. I’m thinking a LOT about home. First of all, God only knows what that word means – “home”? I don’t know. And I don’t even know how I’d define mine: Chiggers, SA… anywhere with mummy or P? I don’t know. But I miss it. So much. Soooooooooooo much. So much, I couldn’t possibly tell you. It’s weird… and so visceral, it confounds me! And in the moments when I’m honest enough with myself, I have to admit that the oddest part about the whole thing is I don’t know what I miss. I don’t. I mean, the easy answer is “everything”. But that’s not true. I don’t even miss everyone. I mean, I miss a whole lot of people — don’t get me wrong – but that’s not it. But more than anything, I miss the place. Or the places. The places. And now I just want to go back so I can pay attention and put my finger on all the missabilities. And then I want to write a story about my little pieces of Africa — pieces of me. And what it (they) all mean to me. And how they’ve made me. And everything. All the stuff I never bothered to notice cos it had always been there. I can’t wait to get back home. And I can’t even handle how much I miss it.

5. Man!

6. This funk that’s been what — three years and counting? I need to get myself out of this mental and spiritual rut. I know this for a fact. And I just need to figure out how. Not that it’ll be easy, but it’s about past necessary… and the everlasting-quarter-life-crisis is just so not a hot look.

7. Tupac. Tupac Tupac Tupac… and why this whole thing has affected me so deeply. And empathy. And big hearts. And the TRUTH — and speaking it. And living it. And saying when you’re wrong. And the dangers of being rash. And on love — what do you do with all of it? Where do you put it? And how do you learn to receive it? On trying to understand. And on listening. Hard.

8. I need to write about Tupac.

9. But LISTENING? Jesus help me. Please.

10. I need to write!!! I need to write it all down and get it out and wade through it (ford across it?). I know there is such a thing as terra firma. I BELIEVE that. I know it’s not just this utopian notion I’ve dreamt up… this delusion. So I just need to get there.

11. In the meantime, I’ll learn to sit with my questions and be ok not having it all be perfect from the get-go.

12. I want to be brave enough to show my love more. I mean, to just give it out. Profligately, you know? Just give it all out out out. All of it. To try dispense it faster than God can replenish it.

13. I miss the kids! I smile when I think about them, you know? Loving people just creeps up on you and when it happens, you don’t even know what it means — or how to define it. Ha… pierced teeth. The whole sibling thing is kind of a mind-bender? Huge. I miss them though. And of course P — safe to say missing her is more-or-less my constant state of being so no news there.

14. Yep yep yep.

15. I’d love for God to just — one night in my sleep… just for the heck of it and to make my life easier — reach out and fill me with this understanding of dad. Like, I’ll just wake up in the morning and get it. get him. (Or should I wish instead that I'll wake up one morning having simply ceased to need this need?)

16. And I love my mummy. So much. I love her. And in a way I can’t explain — and I think more than anything — I just want her to be HAPPY. Happy in the way that means happy. I want her to be happy. And sometimes it feels hard to breathe cos I feel like that will never happen — so I wish I didn’t want it so badly. And then I don’t know what to do. (Does anyone? They seem to.)

17. The whole ever-after-quest thing… sometimes I get that it’s so stupid and futile and masochistic and just so far removed from necessary — sometimes I get that with such crystal clarity, it’s dazzling. But then two seconds later, all the sirens are going off in my head and I’m thinking “aaand… ever after??? How do I make my ever after? And how do I make it perfect? How do I make it real and meaningful and full of love (giving it mostly) and laughter and good people? And what the hell does it even look like?” So, you know, defs some sanity issues.

18. Happiness: I’m not sure it’s much of a goal of mine anymore. And not in that cynical, defeatist way — don’t worry. I just think it probably isn’t the best state of being anyway — not in any real way, you know? It’s just so... brittle. Freaks me out even to think about it too much.

19. I’ll take peace. All the peace in the world. All of it. I understand now why it’s all that Jesus promised. Peace with a generous side serving of meaning — whatever that means. Hehe.

20. Erm, I should stop at 20 and I think I’ll make it… gratitude. I’m so grateful to be here: grateful for the opportunity, grateful for the people I’ve met, grateful for all the LOVE I've been blessed me with… all the love so very many people have for me — and the fact that they make sure I feel it? I’m not even nearly sufficiently expressive of my gratitude for that. I’m sooooooooooo thankful. And so blessed. Thankful also for my capabilities and for my gifts. And I’m thankful I’m alive. I need to start owning every last one of these giftalicious twenty-six years. I am grateful. I am!

21. And I need my thing. (My two things?) Whatever. I need to psycho-geek out on something. But first I need to find it. And I will. (Nikki Giovanni? RS Thomas? Auden? Frost?)

22. Jesus, I need something to do next year come June. Help me? Something i will care about. Show me. Please. Please.

23. Tupac, I do wish you’d had a chance to grow into the ex-bad-boy-sweetheart you so articulately painted as your destination portrait. I wish that so much, it’s been literally hurting me for the past several weeks. I wish you’d had PEACE. Not that all this counts for anything right now. Except that there are thousands — maybe millions — of people like you all over the place and I’m not sure we’ve figured out a way to hear them yet. And to sit still and listen for a minute. And to embrace them and tell them that we’ve heard them and that we’ll do our best and that we love them and that we'll show them.

24. “The kid inside your head keeps asking why the/World has the nerve to keep turning?/And how the sun’s got the balls to keep burning?/And why the moon has the gall to keep staring?/And why your heart cannot stop caring caring caring/Stop.”

25. So I guess I’ll make it an even twenty-five… Jesus, teach me what GRACE means.