testing... 1, 2, 3

aaaaaaaaand, i'm back!

i've realized i'm a talker - not always an out-and-out talker, sure... but i have this need to say whatever i'm thinking or mulling over or grappling with. i mean, even if not to anyone in particular, i need to get it out of my head and down somewhere else. so that's what this is about. and i want it to be honest. i think sometimes we (i!) narrate our lives to others - and even to ourselves - with exagerrated embellishments. and we feign excitement over areas that we actually found to be quite dull, and abject heartbreak over patches that we navigated with only a moderate amount of bruising. there's this need to make it all seem compelling and interesting and every bit "the next big drama" and that broadway will soon come knocking... and maybe our lives really are that compelling - but then only to us. and that's fine. frankly speaking, i'd find kurt cobain's daily routine of sex, drugs and alcohol fairly prosaic - but that's a relative designation.

("it matters, nel. but only to you." - sula)
("there is fiction in the space between/ you and reality/ you would do and say anything/ to make your everyday life seem less mundane..." - tracy chapman)

i'm not even sure what all that yabbering is about but... there we are.

i want this to be HONEST. that's about the sum total of my expectations , and i hope i don't disappoint.

i'm presently ploughing through "the brothers karamazov", and the bit i read just yesterday made me feel just so... vindicated. this one lady describes how much she's suffering to a priest - and at his prodding, goes on to elaborate that it's from a lack of faith. but not in God, so much as the future life... and just how utterly enigmatic it all is. and how the fact is, NO ONE can solve it. and this segues into a bit about love and some dude who said "the more i love humanity in general, the less i love man in particular." and i just found it really compelling. i worry sometimes that i'm teetering scarily on the edge of full-blown misanthropism. not all the time... but definitely more and more often. and not even the machiavellian aspect of it so much as the general disillusion with people (myself included) and things and time and whatever else. it's all very boring. but that's honestly how i feel - in a real plaguing kind of way. but then i'll get these intense periods of just LOVING everyone... almost. and giving them all the benefit of the doubt - or wanting to, at the very least (good enough, no?). hehe.

ag, well.

back to work.