believing - the whys and wherefores

this is NOT going to be an existential piece... or some philosophical diatribe/ defensive sermonette. at all. i'd be the last person to do that. these are my thoughts - as they come to me, and as i try to put them together in a way that i can draw from and lean on.

firstly, there's a side of me that thinks using the word "sense" in matters of religion (which are, intrinsically, matters of the heart, the psyche... the "irrational") is somewhat contradictory. but given our collective limited lexicon - and english being the only language i speak - here we are.

i believe God exists. and i believe in the tenets Christ put forward. this is important to me. and the thing is, at times it's an obvious choice - but many more times a conscious one. and while it does not always make "sense" to me, it always seems to me to be the most... sensible. and i want to note why. not for the purposes of buying anyone over, but for me. it's my way of figuring things out. cos i'm not in this for the alleged afterlife - i'm not even sure i buy the idea that one exists. neither am i in it for the "morality" (don't get me started on this one!). and i'm certainly not in it for the "culture", or the "religion". not for the "Greater Power". i would REALLY be fine not having one. i'm not in it because it's "the only way". i'm not even it because i'm certain. the truth is i'm not certain at all - and a lot of the time, that really shakes me.

but i am in it. and deliberately so. and sometimes i doubt myself - and yet everytime in the end, i choose to continue. i wake up every morning and i CHOOSE to believe. the same way i choose to believe there are eight planets (really, what would i know?!), the same way i believe - on some subconcious level - that when i stand, my legs won't give way beneath me, the same way i choose to believe that when i make a rendez-vous for tomorrow, i'll actually still be around to make good on it, the same way i choose to believe that my next bar of dark chocolate will taste as good as the last: it's part information, part past precedent, part hope. then there's the part that is TRULY blind faith (to an extent that is true of no other belief in my life). and i needed to know why i choose to believe what i do every morning. even when it makes me seem stupid to me. *sigh* especially then.

this will be a continual work in progress.

so, here's why:

1. GRACE. and Christ. that is at least 99.9% of it (well, at least for me). grace. and trying to figure out how to get it right.

2. thankfulness. i can't imagine being showered with goodness, and having no one to thank! it's part of the joy for me. and is, as such, very important. so i thank Him.

3. forced introspection. being inherently averse to introspection as i am, it's good to have something that almost "forces" (for want of a better word) to undertake it. so i get to think about how i may have wronged myself. where i could have wronged you or anyone else. where i could have been better. where i made the same mistake i sought forgiveness for just two days ago. to whom i owe redress. why i need to try harder. it's necessary.

4. prayer. i'm a talker! and now there's always someone there to listen - whether or not there is, in fact, someone to listen. except that there is. (this is what happens when i get inside my head!)

5. letting go. that's actually a big one. wow. letting it all alone. being cognizant of the point at which i come to the end of my bit of rope.